Picture this. It is half past six, the lunchboxes are packed, and your child is curled up under the duvet saying their tummy hurts. By the time the school shoes come out there are tears, and you are standing in the passage wondering whether to be firm or to give in.
Mornings like these leave everyone shaken before the day has started. If they keep happening in your home, you are not doing anything wrong, and neither is your child.
The tummy ache is real
Many parents quietly wonder whether they are being played. It is an understandable thought, especially when the pain seems to vanish by ten o'clock on a Saturday. Usually the answer is no.
When a child feels afraid, the body switches into its alarm state, often called fight or flight. Blood and energy are sent to the muscles and away from the digestive system. The heart beats faster and breathing becomes shallow. The result is genuine nausea, cramps, headaches or a tight chest. Your child is not inventing the feeling. Their body is producing it.
That said, tummy aches and headaches that keep coming back should be checked by your GP or paediatrician first, so that a medical cause is not missed.
Why reasoning and threats do not work
In the alarm state, the thinking part of the brain takes a back seat. This is the area behind the forehead that weighs things up, listens to reason and remembers that school was fine yesterday. The older, faster survival parts of the brain are in charge, and all they know is that something feels dangerous.
That is why explaining, bargaining and warning about consequences go nowhere at 6:30. Your child cannot take in logic while their body is sounding an alarm. They are not being stubborn. For that moment they truly can't.
A frightened child cannot be argued into feeling safe. Safety has to be felt in the body before it can be believed in the mind.
Looking for what sits underneath
School anxiety usually has a reason, even if your child cannot put it into words. It is worth gently exploring what the school day holds for them. Common causes include:
- Trouble with friends, teasing or bullying
- A learning difficulty that makes classwork feel impossible
- Fear of a particular teacher, subject or activity, such as reading aloud
- Noise, crowds and busy corridors that overwhelm the senses
- Worry about being apart from you, often after an illness, a move or a loss in the family
Speak to the class teacher early. Teachers often see things you can't, and a small adjustment at school can change a great deal. If you suspect unkindness from other children, our article on bullying and helping a child feel safe again may be useful. For some children the sticking point is the demand itself, which we explore in pathological demand avoidance and anxiety.
How neurofeedback may help settle the system
Some children's nervous systems seem to sit close to the alarm line much of the time. It then takes very little, a school shoe or the sound of the car keys, to tip them over. Neurofeedback aims to help the brain find a calmer resting state, so there is more room before the alarm goes off.
It is a gentle, non-invasive form of brain training. Small sensors on the scalp read brain activity and nothing is sent into the brain. Your child watches a video or game that plays smoothly when their brain settles into a calmer rhythm. The training itself does not depend on talking about school or explaining feelings.
With repetition, the brain becomes more familiar with that settled state and may return to it more easily. The hope is that mornings become less fraught over time. Results vary, and neurofeedback is not a substitute for sorting out a real problem at school.
At Fix Your Brain we start with a 19-channel brain map, which takes about an hour and a half. Training sessions are 45 to 60 minutes and begin with a short check-in. You can read about the process on our what to expect page.
What you can do tomorrow morning
You cannot remove the anxiety by tomorrow, but you can lower the temperature.
Prepare the night before so the morning has fewer decisions in it. Wake your child a little earlier so nobody is rushed, because hurry feels like danger to an anxious body. Keep your own voice low and slow. Your calm is something their nervous system can borrow.
Name what you see without arguing with it: "Your tummy is sore and you're worried. I'm here." Then keep the routine moving in small steps.
Try to keep your child attending in some form, even for part of the day, while you work with the school on the cause. Long stretches at home usually make returning harder.
If your child has missed a lot of school, is not eating or sleeping, seems very low, or talks about not wanting to be here, please see your doctor or a child psychologist promptly. Neurofeedback works alongside that care, not in place of it. A psychologist, the school and brain training can all pull in the same direction.
Common questions
Is my child just trying to get out of school?
Usually not. The nausea, headaches and tears are produced by a body in its alarm state, and they feel as real to your child as any illness. The symptoms often ease once the threat of school has passed, which can look like pretending. It is simply the alarm switching off again.
Should I keep my child at home when they are this upset?
An occasional day at home is unlikely to do harm, but long absences usually make returning harder because the fear grows while it is avoided. Where you can, aim for some attendance, even a shorter day, and work with the teacher on the cause. Ask your doctor or a psychologist to guide you.
Does my child have to talk about their worries during neurofeedback?
No. Each session begins with a short check-in on how your child is feeling, but the training itself does not depend on talking. Your child sits and watches a screen while sensors read their brain activity.
Hard mornings can get easier. If you would like to talk about your child and whether brain training might help, you are welcome to contact Irine whenever you feel ready.
- school refusal
- morning anxiety
- separation anxiety
- kids
- parenting
